I always promised myself that I would never write about the reason I see this world through a slightly different lens to those people around me. I always promised myself that it didn’t need to be shared for people to understand me and all that I do, all that I am. But today, a sort of revelation to the fact that perhaps I do need to tell the world what happened that changed the way I see every new day. What made me this constantly positive person. Yet so sad in equal measures.
I am not going to go into the ins and the outs of the drama that unfolded. But what happened to us was Childhood Cancer. Our world went from bumbling along to bombing along the A40 towards the John Radcliffe. In to a world that was so out of our control all we could do was reel….
3 years of treatment, steroids, chemo, bloods, hospital stays and every day unsure. Of staring and whispers and people being unkind and afraid. The earth beneath our feet shifted every time we took a step and we never knew whether we would fall…. We came out the other side. But are forever broken by the journey. Our bodies are healed but our minds…. Well there is another blog!
During those days, I was constantly positive for those people around me. Every day was experienced. Every day a celebration of a step closer to the end of treatment and of how lucky we all were to share those days together. We had some of the best days of our lives during that 3 years. Because we truly lived. So uncertain of what every day would bring, it was the only option to choose living. To truly live in every moment, and notice every breath we took. We laughed harder than ever, we loved more fiercely than can seem possible, we danced and we sang and we hugged and we hugged and we hugged… When we tripped, we did fall hard… and we cried like no one could hear us! But we did get back up again…. We dusted ourselves down and together we gently helped each other move forward. Each step small, but every step mighty. It is what love does….
So does that explain it….? My total drive to reduce loneliness, fill the world with sunshine, live every day like it is my last? Why I love too much, am nothing but honest? Why I am always just me? Does it explain my reasons for creating all these Beans that fill people up with sunshine? The running and singing and family adventures? Reading books that search for the meaning of it all? Raising money for charities to help those families in crisis? Does it explain why I want to show people it’s a strength to cry, to admit you feel broken, but to still be able to look up and notice how the sunshine filters through the clouds? To still be in awe of the beauty that all this life has to give?
I hope it does. The smack in the face that Childhood Cancer gives you is hard and it hurts and it bruises and those scars never heal…. But the lesson it taught me then and continues to teach me every single day… Is we are all only a footstep away from heart break…. Who knows when that bombshell will hit…. Don’t waste time rushing from one day to the next. Make those phone calls. Please, tell people you love them.
Life, death, bad luck. They don’t discriminate. It cares not who you are! It just shoots and if you happen to be there……. Stand strong, hold on, and for god sake… whisper help me.
Don’t be alone…
Look after each other
Love and light